To Be and How to Be. That is the Question.

Most Americans would say the answer to that is to be whatever you want, how you want, and when you want it. Live selfishly, if i put it bluntly. This lifestyle disgusts me, and yet when i see a pushy parent telling their ADULT child how to live, i find myself encouraging that kid to push out of their comfort zone, do something crazy, find themselves outside of their family circle. But we as humans naturally go where we are comfortable and familiar, even if that place is abusive or negligent, to whatever degree.

Just today i invited a friend over to watch movies sometime and she said she'd have to ask her mom first. I raised my eyebrows, "honey, how old are you?" She replied, "19." I smiled, "and you still do what your mom says?" She shrugged, "i live with her, so she sets the rules, i guess." I said, "I think you should do what you want, and if your mom threatens to kick you out, you can come stay with me." Which i immediately regretted saying, because even if somebody is old enough to buy cigarettes and get tattoos, it doesn't mean they're mature enough to handle life's hardships apart from family. I realized it wasn't my place to push my friend to rebel against her mom (even if she's being bossy), because we should always respect our parents.

I myself have been struggling with the internal debate of "intimacy vs. isolation" and only a while ago realized i cannot go without love from people. I tried to live apart from people for 5 months; i moved into the middle of the woods, by myself, as far away from my parents as possible without totally banishing them from my life, and said goodbye (literally, to their faces) to all my friends. To me, people were disappointments, and i was tired and scared of being disappointed. What i didn't know was that my family had ingrained in me these unattainable expectations of humanity (more specifically, men); that if they aren't perfect and meeting my every need then there's something wrong. So i disappeared. And for 5 months i wrestled with how i should think, act, feel; like i needed to be a new person, remake myself. But i realized this new person was how my parents wanted me to be, not how I wanted me to be. I dated a doctor, then a wealthy computer entrepreneur, and still i was unhappy. Isn't money all that matters? Isn't that what makes a relationship work?

Finally i approached my parents and said, paraphrased, "i want to be who i want to be. I want to marry who i want to marry. If my future husband is a missionary working in Uganda, and we're dirt poor the rest of our lives, then so be it. All that matters here is that i'm happy. If you guys have a problem with that, tough. I'm tired of worrying about what you guys think." To which they both said, paraphrased, "sounds good. we just want you to be safe."

And now, i'm back with all my old friends (who welcomed me with open arms), i'm going to marry a man who's working towards being a youth pastor, and i'm happy. So there.