Braaaaaiiiinnnsss!!

There’s an article that identifies young children with puppies; plastic and willing to please the parents. While teenagers are more like cats; temperamental and only willing to be with you if you play hard to get. They're moody, fidgety, and usually don't like to be held for long periods of time. I myself get antsy whenever my mom hugs me for longer than 3 seconds. I don't know; that might just be a personal thing, and not so much a generalized one.

Teens are difficult to deal with. I help lead a small group of high school freshman from my church, and my patience is always worn thin by the end of each session. I've never heard so many dirty jokes in one sitting. Nor have i heard so much talk about Justin Beiber. So kudos to any parent willing to take on that venture for the rest of their life. My hat's off to you. I can handle kids, especially ones who can't talk back (or ask me questions non-stop; "why does this do that?", "what are you doing?", "who's that?"). But i can only handle teens for an hour at a time, once a week. This is partly because they bring so much unnecessary drama to the table, and i have to spend most of the session clearing it off so we can focus on the task at hand. I'm hoping when i get older and decide to have kids of my own i'll be prepared to deal with this.

I was REALLY fascinated by the new information they're coming out with now about teen brains and how their growth and emotionality aren't due to hormones, but to the stage of development their frontal lobe is at. I had no idea we weren't finished growing/pruning our brain cells at 18 years. We could be pruning on our deathbed. In high school i was under the impression that we were done growing at 18. In reference to week 5's topic, the hurried child, i don't think children are hurried to grow up, so much as teenagers are, at least for my generation (the college years, around 18-23). In an interview with Jay Giedd, he says, "I think that [in the teen years, this] part of the brain that is helping organization, planning and strategizing is not done being built yet ... [It's] not that the teens are stupid or incapable of [things]. It's sort of unfair to expect them to have adult levels of organizational skills or decision making before their brain is finished being built". It's like expecting a house to stand up without framework. And what's worse is that adolescents subject themselves to this, and even do it to themselves; jumping ahead without laying out a foundation. We push ourselves to do things like get tattoos, smoke, drink, etc, just so we can pretend we're grown-ups. It's foolish, but unfortunately widely accepted.

Parenting Difficulties

It's tough. I think everyone can agree on that. I personally wouldn't know, as i have not had the opportunity (or the right lifestyle/environment) to have kids. I have babysat, though, and volunteered to help teach kids at a preschool. I have also heard advice from and seen first-hand how multiple sets of parents raise their kids. It blows my mind how different everyone's style is. And really i think that's because of every one of our different backgrounds, our own temperament, and the child's temperament.

My own parents used the good-cop, bad-cop method, unintentionally, and though that isn't the most optimal strategy, my siblings and i turned out okay because our parents also taught us independence and self-reliance. My old housemates had 2 kids, ages 1 and 3 and another on the way. Their style was inconsistent time-outs, permissive behaviors, and letting the kids watch TV all day while the mother cleaned and the dad was out working. This was frustrating for me to watch because i would babysit these kids on a regular basis, and when i did i would always make progress with them as far as behavioral issues. I never condoned bad behaviors (interrupting, screaming, temper-tantrums, bad manners, etc.), but i always made it age-appropriate. For example, i never expected a 1-year-old to know how to ask for something instead of crying about not having it. But as i worked with him i taught him how to sign for "please" and "thank-you". The 3-year-old took a lot of work to help, because she had already gotten to the point where she knew how to push boundaries and continually cry for something until she got it. I saw her give her dad puppy eyes and cry until he would give her ice cream before they had dinner. It worked. But when i had her all to myself for an entire day, our interaction would start out this way; she would scream at me for not letting her have what she wanted (the usual candy item from a bowl on top of the refrigerator), i would stoically say something like "no, but since you're hungry, i can make you [this] or [that]", and she would scream some more. Eventually she would stop crying, i would offer her something else again, she would say yes, and i would say "yes please?", and she would repeat that back to me. Throughout the rest of the day, whenever she would demand something, i would give her a look and she would shyly ask for it, and add a please at the end. I made sure to hug her after that, saying something like "I love it when you say please!!!!" She was so pumped to do anything to get praise from me after that. She picked up her toys, ate all her lunch, etc.

Another issue with these kids was the TV. Since they were so used to it being on when their mom was home, they kind of freaked out when i turned it off as soon as she left. Tempers ensued. I resorted to distract them with some toys i borrowed from the preschool, like various blocks, puzzles, puppets, word games, etc. I went and got them a kid-sized table so they could draw pictures. I put on music and we danced around. We played hide-and-seek. Anything except TV.

Then mom and dad came back home and everything went back to the way it was, and i'd have to start all over again the next time i babysat. I was making progress, but in a two steps forward, one step back kind of way.

The Education of Our Nation

I am continually fascinated by the educational system. If i wasn't going to be a nurse, i'd most likely be a pre-school teacher. Way back in the day, when public schools had yet to be founded, everyone was taught by their parents. Depending on the child's gender, they were either taught their family trade (i.e. carpentry, masonry, fishing, etc.) or taught by their mothers on how to care for the house and its occupants. As more scientific discoveries and inventions were made, more occupations became available. But these occupations required a little more attention to detail, and so required more education. Apprenticeships by other people were mandatory. Populations grew, small schools were developed which consisted of a single instructor with a small number of students (and by small i mean smaller than what we have today). Academies, boarding schools, universities were founded, etc.

I believe they probably had difficult children even back then, even in historic schools. I don't know for sure, but they probably didn't have the data we have today about disorders and how to therapeutically handle them in a way that benefits the child. Those difficult children were probably labeled as dunces, or something. Put in a corner somewhere, yelled at, maybe even abused by frustrated parents or teachers. I don't know. I can see it happening. What frustrates me is that this stuff still happens today. We put a label on kids, because that's how our organized scientific brains work, assume it's true, and react accordingly to how we think we should treat the problem. However, a lot of us make the mistake of thinking of the child AS the disorder. For example, we see a kid with a learning disability, and pretty soon that's how we identify the kid. Then, that's all we see when we look at them. And kids are smart; they'll pick up on how you treat them. If you treat them as a problem, they'll act like it. Just speaking from experience, here.

Genders and All That Jazz

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Hh4M4vipAo <--- this is an MST3K commentary on "A date with the family", which shows some interesting 1950's footage on how a family should interact. There may be some minor language and such, fyi.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BavuV6Rg61s <--- this is another MST3K commentary video on "Appreciating your parents", which shows the 1950's gender roles of a mother, father, and their child. I laughed pretty hard while watching this one.

I was pretty intrigued by chapter 5 in our textbook; gender roles, how they come to be, etc. How far we have come as a nation in this aspect, or how different we are in comparison to other countries and cultures. Studying these topics and issues, i came to the conclusion that there really is no RIGHT way to do things as far as guiding children in the way of their gender. Though there are BETTER ways. For example, we shouldn't be telling girls to act more like boys just because we want them to. If they are born with certain temperaments that incline them to act a certain way and therefore influence their surroundings and how that environment interacts with that child, then who is to say what can come of it? So far, we don't really know what will happen until it does. We only know what is MOST LIKELY to happen, and at what stage (as per Erikson).

As a little girl, i was inclined to act more masculine because my mother kept comparing me to my dead brother. "You look so much like him", "he used to make that same face", etc. So in time i grew to think i should be a boy. I dressed in all boy's clothes, i slouched, talked, and walked like one. All my friends were guys. When i got into high school my older sister, who is the epitome of femininity and all things pink, asked me why i acted so masculine and i told her. She responded with, "You know you don't have to do that if you don't want to, right?" To which i said, "...but mom likes it." My sister frowned, "don't let her decide who you are. You're Brynn, not our brother." So i ditched all my old stuff (except my Metallica and Led Zeppelin T-shirts) and replaced most of my pants with dresses. In my experience, i can see how children can undergo gender confusion due to influences from their environment.

Decades ago, there were specific roles, niches, the sexes were supposed to play. In my perspective, it seemed to work pretty well. Though I imagine there were some unhappy women who wished they could have done more, but weren't able to because it was seen as uncouth. Or maybe some men who wished to do something women typically did. No system is ever perfect or all-inclusive. But then everything changed and now the roles are blurred. I personally think this leads to a lot of confusion; if someone doesn't know what they're supposed to do, does that mean they won't do anything at all? A lot of people need direction. On the other hand, there are people who know exactly what or who they are, and what they want. A man who aspires to be a father and stay at home to raise his kids, or a woman who wants to go into underwater welding, might be going against the social grain, but it wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing.

...I was about to rant about feminists, but that may be a bad idea. Nothing against feminist ideals (because a lot of them have some good ideas), i just think they go about it the wrong way...