It's tough. I think everyone can agree on that. I personally wouldn't know, as i have not had the opportunity (or the right lifestyle/environment) to have kids. I have babysat, though, and volunteered to help teach kids at a preschool. I have also heard advice from and seen first-hand how multiple sets of parents raise their kids. It blows my mind how different everyone's style is. And really i think that's because of every one of our different backgrounds, our own temperament, and the child's temperament.
My own parents used the good-cop, bad-cop method, unintentionally, and though that isn't the most optimal strategy, my siblings and i turned out okay because our parents also taught us independence and self-reliance. My old housemates had 2 kids, ages 1 and 3 and another on the way. Their style was inconsistent time-outs, permissive behaviors, and letting the kids watch TV all day while the mother cleaned and the dad was out working. This was frustrating for me to watch because i would babysit these kids on a regular basis, and when i did i would always make progress with them as far as behavioral issues. I never condoned bad behaviors (interrupting, screaming, temper-tantrums, bad manners, etc.), but i always made it age-appropriate. For example, i never expected a 1-year-old to know how to ask for something instead of crying about not having it. But as i worked with him i taught him how to sign for "please" and "thank-you". The 3-year-old took a lot of work to help, because she had already gotten to the point where she knew how to push boundaries and continually cry for something until she got it. I saw her give her dad puppy eyes and cry until he would give her ice cream before they had dinner. It worked. But when i had her all to myself for an entire day, our interaction would start out this way; she would scream at me for not letting her have what she wanted (the usual candy item from a bowl on top of the refrigerator), i would stoically say something like "no, but since you're hungry, i can make you [this] or [that]", and she would scream some more. Eventually she would stop crying, i would offer her something else again, she would say yes, and i would say "yes please?", and she would repeat that back to me. Throughout the rest of the day, whenever she would demand something, i would give her a look and she would shyly ask for it, and add a please at the end. I made sure to hug her after that, saying something like "I love it when you say please!!!!" She was so pumped to do anything to get praise from me after that. She picked up her toys, ate all her lunch, etc.
Another issue with these kids was the TV. Since they were so used to it being on when their mom was home, they kind of freaked out when i turned it off as soon as she left. Tempers ensued. I resorted to distract them with some toys i borrowed from the preschool, like various blocks, puzzles, puppets, word games, etc. I went and got them a kid-sized table so they could draw pictures. I put on music and we danced around. We played hide-and-seek. Anything except TV.
Then mom and dad came back home and everything went back to the way it was, and i'd have to start all over again the next time i babysat. I was making progress, but in a two steps forward, one step back kind of way.
It seems like your friends were a perfect example of permissive or uninvolved parenting due to the socioeconomic status of low income. Because their lives were stressful, or they had other thinks to worry about, and didn't have the energy to instill authority on their children.
ReplyDeleteWhat you were doing while babysitting is what the book calls the best kind of parenting, or at least the most effective: Authoritative parenting-a fair degree of parental control with being warm and responsive to children. When you noticed bad behavior, rather than using punishment or falling into negative reinforcement traps, you offered different options on how to solve the situation. When the kids you were watching got angry when you turned off the TV, you offered different things for them to do that were more rewarding to replace the dependency on television.
I have to admit that I have not had the patience that you have in a very similar situation. I did some babysitting as well for a 6 and 3 year old, and they too were glued to the TV whenever they could be. I remember one night “bed time” was coming around, and when I turned the TV off the 6 year old just about died. Instead of offering other activities, I just let the tantrum “ride out” until he was tired enough to go to bed. I remember the famous line, “It's all I ever wanted” through his delusional 6 year old tears. So props to you. I just couldn't believe how bad his dependency on TV had gotten. His mother was a single mom, who wasn't very attentive, and she used the TV as an escape from parenting. Of course he still desired other activities than television, but she would often use the “go upstairs to your room” line where they would little options other than the TV. (There was one in their room.)
One thing I have to point out to is the resilience of children to grow away from bad behavior. Even with permissive and uninvolved parenting, a child will eventually learn to break away from bad habits he or she might develop, especially when they are forced to interact in the “real world”.
We've all been spoiled to some degree in out lives, (Maybe not all of us) but it really is a cultural thing when it comes to expectations as a child.
Perhaps it's a cultural thing when it comes to epectations for a child, but I would hope that respecting your parents isn't. When this little girl is crying for ice cream before dinner and gets it, she's learning she can walk all OVER daddy, and she'll do it for the rest of her life. I've heard a lot of parents say "pick your battles", which I totally understand, but some things shouldn't be a battle to begin with. I know a little girl who says she is hungry all the time, even after she just ate. It's not because she's really hungry- she's bored. Perhaps she bores easily, but once you change the pace or switch subjects, she's good to go. Basically, as Brynn showed in her experince with the kids she babsat, kids can learn easily because all they really want is praise, and to get what they want/need(sustenence, attention, etc). If they do it in a nice mannerly way while asking permission, then at least they get what they want/need and also get a lesson in respect as well.
ReplyDeleteI think that if we teach our kids from a young age what is acceptable behavior, and what will not be tolerated, as they get older it get easier and less demanding on the parents. Parent do not have the time to constantly entertain their children, the children need to learn to entertain themselves . Im not saying don't ever do anything with your kids, but you can't constantly devote every minute to them. It will eventually wear you down, and cause the child to be dependent on you. Children need a balance of family time, and independent time.
ReplyDeleteI am really glad that you were able to be in those kids lives even if only for a short time. They were young but they may be able to take with them some of what you taught them. Unfortunately little kids will fall back into their old habits because the parents aren't supporting what has been taught, it is easier for them to continue on how it has been. If they are not being praised they will continue to seek attention, good or bad!
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